| 16 February 2011
I smoked marijuana most of my adult life. I stopped smoking it six or seven years ago because I became increasingly aware that I was using it to change my moods. I had often used it for that purpose albeit unconsciously, but there was a sense now that I was somehow ripping myself off.
Marijuana was so much a central part of my early adult life that I never really questioned it despite getting busted in London when I was 25. I moved to Northern California from the U.K. because I was attracted to the dynamic dope culture there and I wanted to be part of what was happening. It was the height of the ‘back to the land’ movement, and an exciting time of incredible expansion and optimism. Marijuana helped me to decondition from the values of my English upbringing and open my vision to worlds that I had never imagined.
Most of the alternative culture that was creating festivals, living off the grid, living a whole new lifestyle that was not connected to mainstream America, was not only smoking dope but growing it too. It helped me to manifest my wildest dreams of living an alternative lifestyle and to carve out a unique life for myself that I could never have envisioned previously.
Marijuana was a sacred medicine ally. When I smoked I would feel a deep sense of peace and a great stillness that I sensed was always there inside me. There was a feeling of great acceptance that everything was really perfect just the way it was. I see that I used marijuana as a bridge between my outer world and my inner world. It was this instant connection with the source that made it irresistible. All I had to do was roll a joint! I loved the smell, the taste, the smoke, the ritual. I grew it for many years and was able to appreciate it on a whole deeper level. It is truly a power plant.
It is humbling to look back now at the games my mind played to justify this habit. I reasoned that it was harmless because it was not physically addictive. I never admitted to myself that I was indeed addicted. It was a sacred medicine not a drug. I never really considered the impact of the psychological addiction. I see now that the psychological addiction has the potential for much greater danger because the mind is so tricky and can spin web upon web of illusion. It seems that it is not possible to accurately assess psychological addiction while still addicted. The whole concept of addiction is one that most dope smokers avoid. For me it was only after I stopped smoking that I started to uncover the stories and games that my mind had been playing for years.
I can also see from the perspective of where I am now that I used marijuana as an anti-depressant. It’s not that I was ever depressed because I would get stoned way before I got bored, let alone depressed! I just never allowed myself to experience that end of the feeling spectrum because the option of getting high was just too easy.
Recently while going through an intense “dark night of the soul” experience around a long and very painful divorce I was stressed, distressed and depressed for long periods of time. Sometimes my mind would jump for the easy option – just one puff – and I would just watch it and end up reaching for the tissues instead. I cried a river of tears, grief for the loss of family, allowing the pain to rip through the complacency I had felt for years even after I had stopped smoking.
I’m not convinced that the acceptance I would have gained through smoking dope would have had the same depth, authenticity and sustainability as that which I am starting to experience now, having journeyed through this most painful part of my life without the green goddess. My understanding is that there is a time and place for strong medicine and there can be a price to pay for continued use of that medicine. Dependency.
There is also a disassociative quality around smoking marijuana. In the early days it really helped me to disassociate from the culture and conditioning I was raised into, and it helped me blaze new trails. At the end of a stressful day I would have a smoke and relax and find that the stressful thoughts would instantly dissolve. That’s why I persisted because it’s so effective.
I disassociated from my serious world and laughed as I connected with stillness and play. However in the long term this very quality prevented me from acknowledging and facing certain truths in myself. It lead to complacency. My point here is that disassociation can have great benefits in the short term but prolonged use of any anti-depressant may leave you… well… disassociated. In other words, a little bit “out of it”.
My experience has shown me that initially marijuana was a catalyst for change in my life. Gradually over the years of regular usage though it inhibited change in me. It kept everything within a certain comfort zone, preventing me from really living at my edge. It was so subtle, this gradual shift that it was easy to be fooled by its powerful relaxing, insightful, creative effects that in the short term felt so beneficial.
Through observing my mind these last years without the green goddess I notice how fixated the mind is to expectation and hope. I see that there is an inherent addiction in the mind to the future being better…..relationships, prosperity, fun, enlightenment, better sex, a greener planet, getting high. A friend of mine named this hope driven, addictive quality of mind “HOPIUM”.
During my “dark night of the soul” I came across a Buddhist phrase that I have found profoundly transformational and challenging “Relax into hopelessness”. It invites me to be present right now with what is. I feel that the psychological addiction to getting high for me is intimately connected to HOPIUM, a way out of what is, into some imaginary better reality.
The place I’m at in my inner journey now is that I need to be with what is happening in my life, to find acceptance for it rather than a way of escaping from it. I confess that this path is sometimes extremely difficult and the mind wanders into resistance, wanting something else, into longing, into hoping. But ultimately WHAT IS RULES… and here we can find peace.
John Douglas has made relaxation his business and has spent the last 10 years developing the Kiva Spa into a lush oasis in the heart of Mullumbimby by combining ancient and eastern bathing practices from around the world and planting gardens to create a beautiful healing sanctuary just 15 minute drive from Byron Bay’s beaches.
For more about the Kiva Spa go online to: www.thekivaspa.com or call 0266 844811
